He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he gaze long into the abyss... only to find his own reflection.

Diary of a Mad Man

Diaries of a Mad Man

Since the year 2007 I always carried a small notebook with me for jotting down notes, phone numbers, things to do, story ideas and poems and other stuff. And for many years they just piled up in a box, one after another, never to be considered again. But from time to time I would write personal things, just like a diary.

(The Inpatient diaries here were generally written in large notebooks or pads that I got inside.)

And from time to time I would pick up one of my small notebooks to record things on a computer -- the story ideas and poems mostly. For many years I just skipped over the diary entries.

But then I had the thought that maybe transcribing those on-line would help people understand one person's struggle with mental illness? I don't know. But here they are, in all their... weirdness.

It was in my 2007 notebook I found my first diary entry. It was just one paragraph, and I did not note the day. (Many of my notebook entries lack dates so I generally put all entries together in one page for the years they are from.)

I have no notebook from 2008. In 2009 I wrote eight diary entries. As the years went by I wrote more and more. Many of them while intoxicated. I will eventually place them all on-line here -- warts and all.

I correct misspellings, and add some punctuation where needed, but otherwise the words are "as is."
I make annotations within [].

Here is my only diary entry for 2007:

"It's like what makes me who I am, my soul some would say, is, has been, broken into a thousand pieces, and having been so alone for so long, I am groping, grasping, in the dark, trying to gather the pieces and without help trying to figure out how the pieces should go together."

Writing Down the Pain
I'd like just once to fall asleep feeling good about myself. Just once. Drunken stupors do not count.