Diaries of a Mad Man
Since the year 2007 I always carried a small notebook with me for jotting down notes, phone numbers, things to do, story ideas and poems and other stuff. And for many years they just piled up in a box, one after another, never to be considered again. But from time to time I would write personal things, just like a diary.
(The Inpatient diaries here were generally written in large notebooks or pads that I got inside.)
And from time to time I would pick up one of my small notebooks to record things on a computer -- the story ideas and poems mostly. For many years I just skipped over the diary entries.
But then I had the thought that maybe transcribing those on-line would help people understand one person's struggle with mental illness? I don't know. But here they are, in all their... weirdness.
It was in my 2007 notebook I found my first diary entry. It was just one paragraph, and I did not note the day. (Many of my notebook entries lack dates so I generally put all entries together in one page for the years they are from.)
I have no notebook from 2008. In 2009 I wrote eight diary entries. As the years went by I wrote more and more. Many of them while intoxicated. I will eventually place them all on-line here -- warts and all.
I correct misspellings, and add some punctuation where needed, but otherwise the words are "as is."
I make annotations within .
Here is my only diary entry for 2007:
"It's like what makes me who I am, my soul some would say, is, has been, broken into a thousand pieces, and having been so alone for so long, I am groping, grasping, in the dark, trying to gather the pieces and without help trying to figure out how the pieces should go together."