head
   He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he gaze long into the abyss... only to find his own reflection.

Diary of a Mad Man

Diaries of a Mad Man

Since the year 2007 I always carried a small notebook with me for jotting down notes, phone numbers, things to do, story ideas and poems and other stuff. And for many years they just piled up in a box, one after another, never to be considered again. But from time to time I would write personal things, just like a diary.

(The Inpatient diaries here were generally written in large notebooks or pads that I got inside.)

And from time to time I would pick up one of my small notebooks to record things on a computer -- the story ideas and poems mostly. For many years I just skipped over the diary entries.

But then I had the thought that maybe transcribing those on-line would help people understand one person's struggle with mental illness? I don't know. But here they are, in all their... weirdness.

It was in my 2007 notebook I found my first diary entry. It was just one paragraph, and I did not note the day. (Many of my notebook entries lack dates so I generally put all entries together in one page for the years they are from.)

I have no notebook from 2008. In 2009 I wrote eight diary entries. As the years went by I wrote more and more. Many of them while intoxicated. I will eventually place them all on-line here -- warts and all.

Notes
I correct misspellings, and add some punctuation where needed, but otherwise the words are "as is."
I make annotations within [].

Here is my only diary entry for 2007:

"It's like what makes me who I am, my soul some would say, is, has been, broken into a thousand pieces, and having been so alone for so long, I am groping, grasping, in the dark, trying to gather the pieces and without help trying to figure out how the pieces should go together."

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Writing Down the Pain
I'd like just once to fall asleep feeling good about myself. Just once. Drunken stupors do not count.