head
   He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he gaze long into the abyss... only to find his own reflection.

Becoming a Grown-up.

This year's diary is going to be different. I am going to be adding to this starting from today, 6/25/16. Days going forward will be added at the bottom, and days going backward will be added at the top.

6/25/16

Been sober for about 30 days now. Again, as in 2006 (pre diary days), after being sober for a while the reasons for why I drink start bubbling up into my head...

The reasons are:

Anxiety
Alcohol calms it.
Fear
Alcohol suppresses it.
Rumination
Alcohol suppresses it.
Bad Days
Alcohol to pass out.

The only thing I can do is keep my mind occupied by immersing it in a complex, detailed, creative endeavor -- and to do it obsessively and compulsively. Every day. All day.

Like what Harlan Ellison said about writing -- I do this "because I have to".

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Writing Down the Pain
I'd like just once to fall asleep feeling good about myself. Just once. Drunken stupors do not count.