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   He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he gaze long into the abyss... only to find his own reflection.

Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center, Boston, Mass., April 2010

Introduction

This was one of those times that I could not stop drinking and things got so bad for me that I went to the ER. As usual for those times I remember little of the "nights/days" before.

April 4, 2010

Something clicked. I get extremely anxious as I write this. I have to stop here, now -- faces pop into my mind; friends I used to have and now miss; family lost perhaps forever; future obligations occur to me, and I think occurred to me then that morning that I decided to go to the ER.

I got past that fear just now. In a second I know it could come right back as yest another cruel face in the darkness.

You know, I really have spent two weeks of nights in the jungle -- the Amazon. The night time animal noises are incredible -- buzz-saws and screeching and noises so bizarre I cannot begin to describe -- one animal, high up, far away, was like a small lawn mower engine -- and it was repeated high up and away from the other and closer. The Amazon night is a kind of madness just listening to the sounds and not knowing their sources. Madness.

That is like my fears. My head is full of a cacophony of fears in the dark all screaming at me for attention.

It is agony.

~

Now I know how/why someone would/could hang themselves -- while choking the life out the pain would go away. Simple.

~

Well they -- the Drs. -- finally diagnosed me with Anxiety. ("More than Depression," as one put it.) And they are still thinking of various drugs to try -- and the entire family of anti-anxiety drugs is not being considered because of my alcoholism.

April 5, 2010

Some guy in the lunchroom asked me what I thought of the "bandage"? And I could only stare perplexed for a second before quietly responding, "I... don't understand."

To which he replied, "The bonding that goes on here." (He's someone who talks very much it turns out.) Stammering a bit, I said, "I don't do any of that."

Only minutes later someone standing near our table asked, "How are you doing?" (I don't think he appended, "Dude," but he looked the type.)

My eyes are not so good so I was not sure who he was speaking to so, after staring perplexed for a second, I asked, "Are you talking to me," wondering if he was even looking at me.

Inside I'm like, "Dude, what the fuck are you talking to me for?" But after he said "Yes," I said, "I'm doing fine. You just startled me."

I'm not sure what if anything else was said -- not caring, as I said, in "bonding".

My room mate suddenly came in and asked as he lay on the bed, "How are your finances?"

I won't bother to detail this -- all the while the cacophony in my head turns to a chorus, shouting, Please, please, stop talking to me!

April 6, 2010

There is no cure. I know that now. The pain in my heart will never go away. The wounds will never really heal.

~

Someone is yelling.

"I want my 3,000 fucking dollars. Call the fucking President of the United States! I want my fucking money!"

Something to do with the food.

April 7, 2010

Another Dr. (they consult with each other) and he asked a question, added notes, asked about Propranolol -- yes but it did nothing; but it's like Clonidine and that does nothing and that does nothing. (So, and I should have checked this, if B-blockers don't work, my heart rate increase is not from related neuro-transmitters.)

The Dr. asked about any craving for alcohol.

"No," I said. "It's more like, I'm sitting hold up in my room for a day, not being able to do anything, and suddenly I lose all reason. And the next thing I know I'm in a liquor store... or see myself reaching for a bottle."

"So it's and emotional craving, not a physical craving."

"Yes!" Finally I explained it so someone "got it".

I tried to reason him into not 1.5mg of Clonazepam (Klonopin) (.5 3X) but 2mg (1mg 2X). He says 2mg is like the limit, so it will certainly not be ruled out.

I can only keep my fingers crossed.

April 8, 2010

.2mg Clonidine
2mg Haloperidol (Haldol)
.5mg Clonazepam

Friday morning it was clon/clon/effexor.

I need to double check what they give me.

~

A "coagent" to help with the side effects (tenseness) of the Haldol.

April 9, 2010

I'm still crying like a baby at times -- "at times" means "at times of stress", "at times of doubt", "at times of worry," etc.

Life goes on.

April 11, 2010

For the first time in a long time I am filled with motivation -- there is so much I want to do: writing, websites, reading, research, yard work and exercise. For the first time in a long time I want to take a train somewhere and stay the night and then return, just to get my "feet wet" toward travelling again.

As I stop writing my fear grows, but while I was writing that down my body had calmed -- the fear going back to the "default" state.

~

Not too soon after the preceding I began feeling very, very "antsy" -- that painful itch on the inside, that restlessness, the annoying pull or grip on my guts. Can't sleep, can't read, can't focus, can't hold a thought -- every noise or movement is bothersome.

It was was not too soon after taking a Benadryl.

~

The group of people here are diverse yet with a class of males -- about five -- who are competitive, arrogant and confrontational. And lately have been making off-hand, under-breath remarks -- with the exception of one who is quite noisy.

The fucking want of attention -- the be the center of attention -- to see it is so fucking annoying.

A couple of the women are really disturbed -- incoherent yet talkative, yelling to and at themselves and with themselves.

Luckily the rest are all quiet in their desperation.

~

FUCK I hope these fucking pills calm me down! If they do not I am back to square one!

April 12, 2010

I feel better. I don't fell better. They did increase the Klonopin. First thing in the morning I feel calm and relaxed (mentally and physically) yet after walking around for a while I start to feel the fear seep back into my chest and arms. Crap, it's awful.

I want to go home.

April 13, 2010

(Slept all day remembering nothing.)

April 14, 2010

Electric Shock [Electro Convulsive Therapy] this morning. General anesthetic so I don't know what the "punishment" (as it was originally was used for) feels like. Although the muscles on the left side of my face hurt -- obviously without the general and a muscle relaxant it would have been painful and convulsing.

I was groggy, more from the drugs than the shock I am sure.

I do feel better now but it comes and goes the anxiety so I may just be at a calmer point. (I also had the c/h/c meds.)

The place has calmed down too -- the patients I mean -- the rude and insulting "jokester" is gone, perhaps even the "punkster" as well. There are more young women and a couple of mature looking young men.

Shit. I hope I can leave Friday night!

April 16, 2010

ECT soon.

Frigging Social Worker(s) could not even figure out how to call Cape Psych Center!

Oh how I get so easily "worked up." These prob

[Entries end abruptly here.]

Notes
  1. As I transcribe those pages of my notebook to my computer now -- five years later! -- I am heading toward a Panic Attack. Those times of motivation never last, I never followed though.

References:

Klonopin (Clonazepam)
Haldol (Haloperidol)
Clonidine

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Writing Down the Pain
I'd like just once to fall asleep feeling good about myself. Just once. Drunken stupors do not count.