This was my latest stay. I lied to the DHM [Dept. of Mental Health] interviewer — in the ER — about how much I'd been drinking. (I'll never know why, but I found myself telling him that I "Just had a few beers." It started out that way, but ended up with my drinking heavily for three days.)
Well, he was pretty pissed off that I lied — the blood work came back — and he "sectioned" me. I ended up here.
What follows is just the first day of my journal for that stay.
April 6, 2013
I explained everything as well as I could to the Dr. How can I convince anyone I don't have family problems, I don't have work problems, I don't have everyday coping problems. I am not an everyday drinker who drinks to cope.
"I relapsed every 8 to 12 months over the last few years," I said.
"The pain got so bad I sought relief, and it works, only I couldn't stop."
Later, she came into my room and wanted me on an SSRI. I said no.
"I've been on it before. Many of them. SSRIs, SNRIs, Phenelzene, EMSAM (she did not know what that was). On Prozac for almost two years." She mentioned a few others. "Those too. They don't work. My problem is GAD, PD, PTSD -- fear."
"But it says here," she said, "anxiety and PTSD."
Inside I'm like, "Crap." Yes it does, those drugs all say that. An SSRI like that lists half a dozen illnesses that they treat. How? The theory is an increase in serotonin helps people "be happy" -- in theory, and it's bogus.
Think about it. Someone feels [or is diagnosed as] "depressed", starts therapy and is put on an anti-depressant. Their family and perhaps friends get involved and in six weeks, a couple of months they improve. Is it the medication or the therapy and family?
Being [diagnosed as] "depressed" is feeling low for six weeks or more. What about those of us being in such pain for 20 years?
"I've tried so many," I told her. "Beta-blockers, alpha-blockers. I've researched GABA-A, GABA-B, NMDA." I went on telling her of how I bug my psychiatrist by all my research. "I've tried so many. They don't work. My problem is my Sympathetic [or Parasympathetic] Nervous System is on overload. I am hyper-aroused. I am scared. And I don't know why."
I added, trying to emphasize, "That I seem to be different, that so many drugs don't work, that the only thing that works is Lorazepam, and Diazepam sort of does." And I looked her in the eye -- and I know she thinks I was trying to bullshit her.
"Lorazepam does not make me want more, it doesn't cause alcohol cravings, it doesn't make me high, it calms me down." And I sense her skepticism. We discussed what I am on. One milligram of Lorazepam three times a day, four hours apart.
I suggested two milligrams twice a day. "That's five milligrams," she said (I'm not good at math either). "Four milligrams," I said. So I want an increase of just one milligram overall -- to me and probably lost on her is that it is a two milligram dose but twice a day.
She said she would consider it and call my psychiatrist to consult. And that was that.
And then she came back later mentioning Remeron. "I don't know it," I told her. And so, of course, she rejected my Lorazepam request. And not only did she not supply me with a medication sheet on the drug (like she did for the SSRI) she told me nothing about it. And she tells me that she was told my psychiatrist is away for two weeks.
- Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitor.
- Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.