He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he gaze long into the abyss... only to find his own reflection.

Welcome to the Abyss


March 23, 2014 by admin

Some of us live with pain. Some of some of us live with a great deal of pain and our actions only make it worse — the abused, the traumatized, the neglected, the shunned, the pushed aside...

This is currently a pretty pathetic website. "I'm working on it, okay?" is my only excuse.

This is not an attempt at atonement or redemption or forgiveness. It is not about making amends. It is about writing shit down in order to figure out what is wrong with me.

This is about self-diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder. And it ain't pretty.

This is about the gravity of crimes so severe I've lived a life of self-imposed pain and suffering.

This is about the pain of shame and guilt beyond measure.

To those I have hurt in my life I can only say that I have hurt my own self in so many ways beyond anything you can ever imagine. There is no asking for forgiveness for I cannot forgive myself.

The only reason why I am still alive is because I am a coward and dissociate at the thought of being aware of drifting off to death — no hanging nor jumping to death for me as that would mean I'd be there witnessing the falling into the abyss... I am a coward fully and completely.

There is, perhaps, nothing to be gained from this. I thought, for a while, locked up in a psychiatric hospital, that putting my journals online would do... something useful.

I was once diagnosed as Bipolar. I thought the doctor an idiot at the time, yet there is a little bit of that in me, it's just that the changes are months in duration — and months go by when I despair over having started this.

But then I go back to my writing. And find some odd kind of comfort in writing the words, even the incoherent passages in which I see a kind of delusion showing.

Writing Down the Pain
I'd like just once to fall asleep feeling good about myself. Just once. Drunken stupors do not count.